@[!$*N (velocitation) wrote in ed_ucate,
@[!$*N
velocitation
ed_ucate

bulimia and risk-taking

So, I have begun to realize that the "danger" of my bulimia may be part of the reason that I am still so entrenched in the disorder despite numerous attempts (including bouts of therapy and medication) to "recover".

There seems to be some sort of psychological enjoyment on my part in the "risky" aspects of this disorder for me - almost like I get an adrenaline rush from doing things that I know are wrong. I don't mean the actual bingeing and purging by itself; while I know that it's not right to binge and purge, if I were in isolation (with food) without the chance of others knowing what I was doing, I wouldn't really feel "wrong" in any big way about bingeing and purging.

What I mean is that I get a sort of psychological high with getting away with things. Some examples I can come up with off the top of my head would be getting a rush from shoplifting food (moreso that shoplifting other things), the fact that food I've taken/stolen from other people or food I'm not supposed to be eating seems more desireable, or the weird satisfaction I feel from bingeing and purging without detection when there are other people in really close proximity.

This type of issue can obviously be incredibly detrimental when things go wrong. I've been caught shoplifting numerous times because I've gotten cocky and lazy and am facing actual legal consequences as a result, I've been caught taking my roommate's food several times and really strained our relationship to the point that we may not be able to live together next year, and I've had people I wouldn't ever want to know about my being sick (e.g. my little sister) hear me purging.

Yet, no matter how much I fuck up my future and my relationships with others, I seem "stuck" to my disorder, and I think it has largely to do with the fact that I almost get a sort of adrenaline high from engaging and usually getting away with in these sneaky behaviors.

Can anyone relate at all? I guess maybe this is sort of not atypical, as bulimics are stereotypically more prone to engaging in other "high-risk" behaviors such as drinking/drug use and promiscuity. Thoughts?
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