roro (girlwithwheels) wrote in ed_ucate,

Lately, I've been chatting about eating and body image with my real life friends, all of whom do not have a clinical EDs. We've discussed "normal" eating. We've discussed the fine line between caring about what you eat and eating in a disordered manner. We talked about the definitions of recovery, disorder, diet, health. And finally, we shared our own eating habits, as well as those of our respective families.

I've always found it extremely difficult to talk about these matters, because in my overarching need to control, I make it my goal to convince my audience to agree with me - As though having a period of both pathological eating AND normal eating makes me the ultimate voice of authority on this tender topic. Unfortunately, sometimes I find it hard to express myself and become washed with frustration about being unable to find the right words, anger about being unable to convert the "ignorant". As someone who is passionate about science, I understand the importance of debate when it comes to controversial issues. However, I find that I can rarely tolerate any kind of dissent pertaining to healthy eating, healthy body image; anyone who disagrees with me is just stupid and dense and cannot appreciate the breadth of my experience and knowledge. It would be nice if it ended there; alas, it doesn't. For the next day, week, I cannot let it go. There's an urgent need, anxiety, for everyone to just listen to me and nod their heads, and when they don't, I feel like crying, and sometimes I do.

Is this narcissistic of me? Or just desperately insecure?

Am I so narcissistic so as to consider myself not only an enlightened expert on the topic, but also a messenger, a missionary, whose ideas should incite a grandiose, skepticism-free worship?

Or am I so insecure in my recovery so as to need to set everybody else around me straight before I can practice what I've been taught by the true experts in the field?

Can anyone else relate to feeling as though you have to educate EVERYBODY about EDs, about healthy eating, about the myths of weight loss and obesity and EDs, and when people disagree, does anyone else feel ... furious, frustrated, almost in a RAGE!??!?!

Just out of curiosity - how many of you have Narcissistic personality disorder?
How many of you think you have it?

Sorry, this was sort of rant-ish and rambly.

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