I haven't posted in this community or in this journal in quite some time. I attempted recovery for the millionth time, realized I'm not ready for it and came crawling back.. just as I've done so many times before.
I'm just wondering how many times this has happened to any of you. How often have you tried to give it up but realized you can't function without your disorder? I feel if I'm truly able to free myself of this, I'll lose a huge part of my identity. I've allowed myself to be defined by my disorder.
Most of the time I think I'm a terrible bulimic. I don't throw up every meal. I don't binge every night. I do feel guilty every time I go over my allotted calories for the day, but so what? What dieter doesn't feel guilt for that late night snack?
I feel like I've failed. I feel like all of this is in my head. I feel like I'm not actually disordered, but I want to be disordered. I want this, and that's not the same as actually being ill. I'm supposed to be thin, miserable, unhealthy. Instead, I'm fat, the doctor can find nothing wrong with me and I've maintained something of a social life. Granted, I've been pushing away most of my friends lately, but for the most part.. I suppose I've been doing alright.
I don't know. I suppose the fact that I don't exactly fit the stereotypical bulimic, I feel like I don't deserve the title, despite my binge/purge habits. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. I just wanted to ask if any of you have felt the same way I guess. You know there's something wrong with you, but at the same time you can't help but feel you're trying to hold onto something that isn't even there. Anyone?