About a year ago I started habitually smoking marijuana, again. (I smoked previously in my life, but quit for about two years.) And about seven months ago, I was finally able to get my ED under control, with only a handful of minor slip-ups.
I found that when I was stoned a few things happened:
1. I was actually hungry.
2. I was able to eat without guilt.
3. I did not have the desire to restrict or purge.
4. I was happier, in general.
5. I stopped binge drinking.
My bestfriend and I both have ED's. We have been at each other's lowest points. And the lightest. We have helped each other get sick and healthy. We have competed for fasts. We have both said "You're too skinny."
We started smoking alot more... and we're struggling through "recovery". I put recovery in quotation marks because I know that neither of us are actually recovered. We're biding our time. And we're numbing our minds.
The point is - if I'm not blitzed, I cannot stand the person I am. I hate my body. I hate the wieght I've put on. I have to ignore it when I eat to avoid screaming in disgust. I smoke myself stupid so I don't think about what a mess I am.
And if I quit - I know that I would relapse. Immediately. So that's the problem I'm facing, because I'm starting college back up soon... going into medicine... and I cannot fathom how I could smoke and study at the same time. I wouldn't trust myself. So I have to quit.
I'm terrified.
I traded one coping mechanism for another.
Any similar experiences???
I found that when I was stoned a few things happened:
1. I was actually hungry.
2. I was able to eat without guilt.
3. I did not have the desire to restrict or purge.
4. I was happier, in general.
5. I stopped binge drinking.
My bestfriend and I both have ED's. We have been at each other's lowest points. And the lightest. We have helped each other get sick and healthy. We have competed for fasts. We have both said "You're too skinny."
We started smoking alot more... and we're struggling through "recovery". I put recovery in quotation marks because I know that neither of us are actually recovered. We're biding our time. And we're numbing our minds.
The point is - if I'm not blitzed, I cannot stand the person I am. I hate my body. I hate the wieght I've put on. I have to ignore it when I eat to avoid screaming in disgust. I smoke myself stupid so I don't think about what a mess I am.
And if I quit - I know that I would relapse. Immediately. So that's the problem I'm facing, because I'm starting college back up soon... going into medicine... and I cannot fathom how I could smoke and study at the same time. I wouldn't trust myself. So I have to quit.
I'm terrified.
I traded one coping mechanism for another.
Any similar experiences???
