Cassie-Lou-Who!? (concave_cocaine) wrote in ed_ucate,

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Confused, Lost. Let me know if i should take this down.

Hi everyone.

I've been sitting in the background, watching this community, and others that aren't nearly as healthy. I have had an eating disorder for years now, I can't honestly pinpoint it's start, partially because I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I was hospitalized and treated a number of times, but then I up and moved across the country.

I have been in relationships, and am currently in one. I used to be really terrible with always measuring, and making meal plans with a restricted limit, and exercise (very rarely because I was always so weak). Since I moved away though, I was doing good for a while, gained a bit, but I broke up with my boyfriend. I was really messed up emotionally and I cheated on him. It was terrible, and I didn't tell him, but I wasn't ready to break if off until I finally mustered up the courage.

Then i was living in an unhealthy situation, with a dangerous person. After I moved out I started restricting again because I wanted to do some modeling for fun, because a friend of mine told me about this website where amateur photographers, models and make-up artists can connect locally and work together. I started losing weight, and actually surpassed my prior low. Then summer was ending and I started thinking about my upcoming trip to my hometown. I knew I would raise a lot of concern if i showed up as a waif, so I got all my friends and roomies to help me eat as much as I could gained a bit, not enough though and faced my family.

The whole trip was stressful and when I got back I promptly started restricting. The thing is, I wasn't making plans or anything, I just wouldn't eat. Sometimes I'd wake up with terrible pains in my stomach and I wouldn't be able to remember the last time I had eaten ANYTHING. I developed a kidney infection and would have been hospitalized but i went into the hospital 4 hours before i was leaving town for my grandmother's funeral, so they gave me antibiotics and sent me on my way AMA. Since then I've quit my highstress job, but have fallen into an even worse depression. I've been out of work for almost 3 weeks. I can barely get out of bed in the morning (or late evening as I've reversed my schedule completely). I think my kidney infection is back, and I might have an ear infection as well, but I can't force myself to go to the doctor, because I'm out of money so I couldn't afford any prescriptions anyways.

Sometimes I'll sit at home and do nothing all day. I get terrible anxiety if I go grocery shopping, and when i try to cook, standing up for prolonged periods of time I get dizzy, overheated and have to sit down. I have increasing nausea, and dizziness. I feel like I'm falling apart, and I don't know how to stop it. I want to be healthy. I want to have energy to get out of bed for more than a few hours before needing to sit back down. I don't even leave my house anymore, without extensive coaxing.

I don't know what to do. I am dirt broke, after another week I'll be completely out of money, so private treatment isn't an option.

One good thing, I just registered back in school to finish my high-school diploma.

But other than that, I've sunken pretty low, and I can't find my way back... I'm sorry. I just don't know anymore. Maybe I never did...

I guess i want to know if anyone has experienced their eating disorder progress subconciously and have it be stronger and more effective for losing weight (even if I don't specifically conciously want to lose) then when i was planning...Thanks,

I'm really sorry to bother you, I don't know how it will help.

Thank you.
This is also partially in response to the Fritz Liedtke website someone linked to. I kind of broke reading all the letters beside the pictures.

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